


Underneath It All

by yutae127



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-11 04:36:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11141136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yutae127/pseuds/yutae127
Summary: In his last year of middle school, Yuta chose another path to take, and abandons the dream he's close to reaching. And with Taeyong around, he guesses it's not so bad.(A never ending Yutae trainee-to-debut AU)





	1. 1.

///this will be mark completed but this fic have no end and this is just the introduction haha and i will update this when i can thank you for reading//

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Well, someone's unlucky." 

 

Yuta squints at Youngho from the door frame of the dorm room he's been told will be his new home, his first acquaintance in the enormous company known as S.M Entertainment. He's still on cloud nine, mind blank and light from all the overwhelming that's happens like flash. First, it was making it to the audition in Tokyo where he lined up with thousands of more kids his age aspiring for the same goal. Only fragments on whatever happened on the stage is he can remember, and how he made it through to pass the auditions, up to being invited and given a ticket to Seoul, South Korea. He remembers the fatigue, the agitation, the bliss, but not the details.

 

This is it, he tells himself. Although he had to feign certainty in front of his parents when he tells them that he will go, and leave his another dream behind. At first, his mother was reluctant to allow him, but in weeks of convincing they finally come to terms, and now is Yuta's first day in a foreign country, as a trainee in S.M Entertainment. 

 

Meeting Seo Youngho had him stuttering, the new language still foreign in his tongue. He'd ask why the taller had just said that, when someone enters the room, jet black hair, sharp jaw, tantalizing eyes and heart shaped lips walks in. Indeed, looks do matter on becoming an idol, but this one is.... 

 

"He...llo." Yuta greets the boy as casual as he can, the only word he'd master without having to stammer and yet he's at it again. 

 

"Oh?" The boy stopped on his tracks, looking at Yuta with wide eyes as if he's seen a ghost. 

 

The attention, the gaze, makes Yuta's heart hammers out his chest and he swore if they happen to be roommates then he----

 

"Your new roommate. Say hello." Youngho tells him, gesturing a hand at Yuta who looks confused like a little lamb. 

 

"Oh, it's nice to meet you. Hello, I'm Lee Taeyong." 

 

There's a sudden change on the resting stoic face of the boy when he introduced himself, a smile, and Yuta tries not to fall, almost lost his footing when he strides to where Yuta stands in the middle of the room to shake his hand. 

 

"What's your name?" 

 

What was it? Yuta reckons. If this guy, Lee Taeyong, isn't beaming at him with that intolerably alluring face, then Yuta would be able to answer. That's right, his name is Yuta. "I'm Yu...ta. Na..." 

 

"Yutana?" The boy asks, enthusiast, hands still holding Yuta's own. 

 

"Nakamoto Yuta." Yuta tries again, sighing out loud when he succeeded. Imagine having to train with this guy? And worse is having to live with him, just the two of them confined in the same walls. It's safe to assume this will be difficult years for Yuta. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuta's orientation isn't a secret, at least not to his really close friends in Japan, or to his parents that may have the slightest idea---if they ask, Yuta would admit to it. But coming to Korea is a different story, or risky rather. Revealing his true self is less likely to be necessary, first of, it's not going to help his career. Another is securing his friendship with his co-trainees. But that would be too early to be certain about. Because Yuta doesn't live his life according to the patterns, so that didn't answer why he likes a girl in gradeschool and why he likes a guy in highschool. His world isn't carefully constructed.

 

The first months of training was tied-up. Yuta isn't a dancer, and receiving dance lessons from professional instructors is causing him frustration. Often times he finds himself alone in the dorm, unable to go back to his family on rest days due to the distance, while the others can. Training wasn't an easy task, what more of becoming an idol and to be under everyone's free judgment? It's still too early to think of that. But hearing complaints and cries from other trainees that come and go sometimes discouraged him. Some of them leave before Yuta can even befriend them. So far, the only difficulty Yuta is having is missing his family. At the age of fifteen, he's still too young. There's so much more to learn before his awaited debut. Nevertheless, something so convenient does not exist. And Yuta anticipates the hard path he's going to take.

 

There are other more trainees that hangs out in the dorm, although they don't stay there full time unlike Yuta. He learned that Youngho comes back to the states every now and then for his studies, same with Mark and Jaehyun. Hansol is from Busan, too kind and quiet that Yuta is getting a hard time to get along with him. Because he's loud and tends to move around a lot. Ten, a new trainee from Thailand, reminds Yuta so much of himself, loud and happy. They talk a lot, manage to carry off with their jokes despite the difficulty on the language. 

 

One thing that clearly distracts Yuta from everything, is his roommate, Lee Taeyong. He doesn't hang out with any of them most of the time. Taeyong is busy with his last year in SOPA, Jaehyun tells him, that's why his training hours is different from all of them. It's absurd, because he's the person Yuta wants to get to know the most. But if Yuta, tongue tied even on the tiniest of their conversation, is anything to go by, then none of that is going to happen. 

 

In a year, Yuta was certain that this is it. He was introduced to SM's page as the new trainee, and he'd seen comments, mostly from the people from his country, telling how stoked they were to see Yuta on the stage, and some language he doesn't understand. It was too overwhelming, that he lie on his back on the bed to stare up the ceiling, wondering what kind of future awaits him. It's inevitable to worry about it, since things doesn't always go anyone's way. By now, if he didn't chose this path, he'd be admitted to the sports academy he's always dreamt of going. So, was it really worth it? 

 

"Say, something the matter? What's bothering you?" 

 

Startled at the voice, Yuta sat up quickly when he felt the weight of Taeyong who sat on the side of his bed. He's wearing his school uniform, black hair gently brushed down and his braces showing from his slightly parted lips. Today will be his graduation, and Yuta, along with the other boys is accompanying him. 

 

There's a tension in the air that makes Yuta unable to speak, maybe it was because of the answer to the questions, or could it be because Taeyong is holding his hands and he stares at Yuta's eyes, intently and compassionate that puts him into silence. 

 

"You can tell me, if something's bothering you. Or if anyone, I'm here to listen, Yuta." Taeyong coos, squeezing his palms. 

 

It was different, because he never felt this way when Johnny embraced him that one time when Yuta almost fainted on the practice, or when Ten holds his hand for a long time the other day telling him not to worry about the negative feedbacks once their profiles are released. Taeyong's voice alone gives off a reassuring vibe reminding Yuta that he should be okay. He's different, because Yuta never felt so inclined to anyone like this before. 

 

It isn't until Youngho, clad in a coat similar to what Yuta is wearing, burst in their room and signals them to leave. 

 

"Congratulations." Yuta whispers when they're about the exit the room, with Taeyong ahead. He looks back at Yuta, with a smile the most esthetic Yuta had ever seen. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taeyong is a man of few words, laughs at everything he finds funny, and vulnerable, is what Yuta had learned about him. There's so much about him, and Yuta's head overloads with information that is Taeyong. 

 

Yuta tries to play it safe, trying to act casual around Taeyong as much as he can. It's been a month since Taeyong moved in completely back to their dorm and they train altogether. Being his roommate was a hassle, Yuta admits to Youngho one day to which the taller only laugh at. Taeyong wakes up early to clean and cook, and sleep late to clean again. A total opposite of a blithe man like Yuta who can sleep even on a room that smells like a trash bin. But there's always a room for a change, and someone so gentle like Taeyong, Yuta wouldn't want to get on to his nerves. His sensitivity makes Yuta uneasy, yet, he wants to be near Taeyong all the time. 

 

All these feelings probably got too much on him, because Youngho confronts him one day while they were on the building's lunchroom, and whispers, "If you stare that much, he's going to catch you." 

 

There's no room for denial, because at that very moment, Yuta is oggling at Taeyong's feature----newly dyed brown hair and cherry lipstick that compliments his pale complexion. Panicked at being caught, he faces Youngho with a terrified expression, as if begging him not to say anything. 

 

Taeyong who sits across them in the table besides Jaehyun, diverts his gaze at Youngho, asking, "What did you tell him, Youngho? Are you making fun of him?". He's that kind of person, caring and a fusspot in an adorable manner, that makes him more unique than others. To Yuta's eyes, he'd always been special. 

 

Yuta had to grip Youngho on his leg under the table, warning him not to say anything. 

 

He chuckled, wrapping an arm around Yuta's shoulder and playfully poking him on the side. "Not gonna tell you, right Yuta?" Youngho chaffs, a shit eating grin on his face. 

 

"You better not be making fun of him." Taeyong warns, shaking his head. 

 

"Eh? You're no fun!" Youngho scowled, manhandling Yuta with his big body to shove the smaller on the opposite of the table where Taeyong sits. "He's all yours." 

 

Yuta never felt this nervous, because he's never been this near Taeyong, their shoulders brushing when he takes a seat and Taeyong had turned to smile at him. He's so pretty, up close, even prettier than when Yuta only stares at him from a close distance. Youngho isn't going to let him live, he knows, but this is one of the chances Yuta didn't want to miss. So he didn't lean away, and stares even more. 

 

"Do you want me to hit Youngho for you?" Taeyong suggest, lifting up his fist. 

 

That was an empty threat, because Taeyong is a person who wouldn't lift a finger to hurt anyone. Not only he is beautiful, but he's solicitous and amiable, as though perfect exist, like a religion he could idolize and devotes himself to. "Don't mind it. Just eat." He says, too occupied, gaze roaming over Taeyong's face, to his lips in particular every time he speaks. He hadn't notice everyone else was staring and laughs at Yuta's dead serious expression as he speaks.

 

Certain that Youngho is laughing at something else, he tries to kick the taller under the table who only guffawed even more. Anxiety rolls over his stomach, even though he suspects someone is bound to find out his secret soon, and he hopes it wasn't the subject of his affection, but not Youngho too. Youngho has a close friendship with Taeyong and it hangs him up, thinking of a way he could convince him not to say anything before Youngho could even spill it to Taeyong. 

 

Even so, he supposes Taeyong would be oblivious to it. Not that Yuta is acting according to his feelings, he'd only taken a liking to stare at Taeyong whenever he's sure the other wasn't looking. Although he'd been caught many times, Taeyong would only smile at him and ask him what was wrong, and Yuta could only wonder how much more perfect can he get each day. 

 

Presumably it's Youngho who will first notice it. Since the three of them, born on the same year, often hang around altogether more than with the others. In the dorm, Youngho always visits their room to chat or play video games. It's whenever Yuta feels suffocated, too overwhelm within Taeyong's territory, that Youngho would come along with his petty jokes which happens to balance Yuta's excessive emotions somehow. That's why Yuta likes to have him around most of the time.

 

Under the table, Taeyong holds his hand, fingers gently tracing his palms. It's not the first time Taeyong hold his hands, but every time he does, it feels like the first time. It stuns him, unable to breathe for a moment when he glances at Taeyong's direction. He wasn't looking at Yuta, talking comically with Ten and head leaned on Jaehyun's shoulder, as if he wasn't aware that he's holding Yuta's hand, to make him crazy, at all. 

 

Suddenly, it sinks in. Taeyong holds hands with the others, embrace them and smiles at them. The reason behind it, all because Yuta knows he wasn't special. Taeyong looks at everyone of them the same way, and it's all in Yuta's ridiculous head. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Yuta had managed to overcome is his overt, a little obvious fondness. Or it was short-lived, he likes to assume. He likes to assume he had overcome it. That he'd manage to harbor all his feelings to the back of his mind, neglecting the uncontrollable jitters whenever Taeyong is at a close proximity. Perhaps it's only in his head? If he had managed to make it negligible, then maybe such feeling is so little, or don't exist at all. But still it's confusing, and irritating. Which ends up to him wanting to get on Taeyong's nerves all the time. Ever so often, they fight, and Taeyong would always fuss about Yuta's odd behavior, as Yuta recalls he named it one day. 

 

He stopped helping Taeyong on cleaning their room, protesting it was nonsense since they're going to dirt it anyway. He doesn't listen to him on practice, since Taeyong is their potential leader and intructs them on dance classes, opting to frolic with Ten and other younger trainees. But Taeyong is still dear to him, well, like he is to everyone. So he wonders how much more annoying can he be until Taeyong completely hates him. Yuta doesn't know when it became a game for him, to get Taeyong out of his limit.

 

It's one afternoon when Yuta was rummaging through his backpack to search for the pain reliever, throwing all the empty wrappers he finds inside while Taeyong is sweeping the floor. Honestly, he wasn't aware that Taeyong was there in the first place, too troubled with his aching back.

 

"Yuta, I swear. If you can't help with cleaning then st---" 

 

"What?!" Yuta interrupts with a yell, frowning. 

 

Taeyong stood straight, eyes grazing on Yuta for a split second before looking down. There was a change on his expression that Yuta knows is because he shouts at him. 

 

"I...I'm sorry." Yuta murmurs. He never really apologized to him, and today is the first time. If he'll be given a second chance, he will take that back.

 

"If you can't find your medicines, I have spare on my drawers." Taeyong offers, voice so gentle and kind as though Yuta didn't violate him just now. 

 

Taeyong was polite and generous, that even if you treat him unfairly, he wouldn't take it against you. Perhaps, it would be him to apologize and console. Maybe that's why people like him. A center of attention for his surreal feature. But Taeyong doesn't only stand out for his face, his attributes were at best, and he can dance so well that makes Yuta rethink that maybe perfect really does exists. But perfect doesn't exist, it shouldn't exist, because that wouldn't be fair. Yuta knows his own imperfections, and that he wasn't perfect, because nobody is. Maybe he's jealous of Taeyong for having everything that he wished he had. 

 

Taeyong functions like that, contented even with the slightest of love anyone can return to him. Like a robot, except robots can't love and he'd be beautiful than any metals or plastics materials that makes up a robot can ever be. 

 

Yuta doesn't really know what's going on in Taeyong's head, if he was angry at Yuta or upset about being shouted at, he wouldn't know unless he say it. Because Taeyong's expression only ranges from looking happy, and not sad but straight-faced. A blank expression Yuta doubts he can ever perceive. Thinking, Yuta remained seated on his bed, watching as Taeyong moved back to sweeping the floor but working slowly this time. If he was angry or upset, he could just yell back at Yuta. But he wouldn't, and that's the kind of person he is. 

 

"Don't you get tired?" Yuta blurts, because the atmosphere was suffocating and Yuta wouldn't want to cross the line to the point where Taeyong would completely despise him. He fears it. That wouldn't feel right, even if it seem incredulous for him to dislike anyone. They just finished training for six hours straight and all Yuta wanted to do after those bloody hours is to get some rest, but Taeyong would still be working. 

 

It's evident that the question surprised him when he looks at Yuta with wide eyes, a new expression Yuta had ever seen on his face that's a little similar from when everyone in the company decides to surprise Taeyong on his sixteenth birthday but not quite the same, but tries to mask it immediately. Yuta wouldn't ask about how other people feels. He'd be bullshitting others, but not consoling them. He can only use his discretion to people that really matters. "I'll turn the lights off so you can sleep." 

 

"No." Yuta counters. Of course, Taeyong would misinterpret his words, because he doesn't see himself as anyone important, Yuta thinks. "We had a tiring day. You might want to sleep after training too, as much as I do." 

 

"I'm sorry, it just don't feel right leaving the floor unclean." 

 

Taeyong would be apologizing, even on little matters that Yuta fails to conceive. But one thing, Taeyong is smart, yet he didn't understand Yuta's concern. 

 

 

By twelve midnight, Yuta awokens to his back still aching. When he looks to his left, Taeyong was dozing off, tiny snores escaping his mouth to display the exhaustion he's tried to hide all day. Standing up from his bed, Yuta carefully hovers over his, and fixed the blanket that dangles off Taeyong's exposed chest. If Taeyong would find out that Yuta knows he sleeps shirtless, he's going to throw a fit. 

 

Coming out of the room, seeing Youngho asleep in the couch surprises him. His tall frame blocking the path way from the settees to the television. He tries not to make a sound as he jumps over him to the kitchen. 

 

Seeing Taeil having a cup of tea at this hour isn't a rare sight. He'd bump on the older a lot, and he'll make a coffee of his own and they will chat about their little worries. But mostly it will be Yuta talking, because Taeil isn't the type to open up to anyone. Not because of trust issues, but rather he didn't want burden any of them. That's a wicked mindset, Yuta thinks. Because even if Taeil is older, that doesn't mean he need to alone. That's why Yuta doesn't like the idea of being thoughtful, because Taeyong comes in the way whenever he thinks of the word. 

 

They didn't speak until Yuta takes a seat across him on the counter with a coffee mug in hand, and Taeil groaned as if he's dead tired of this frequent midnight encounters with Yuta in the kitchen as if to humor him. 

 

"Hey, at least you get to stare on my sleepy, charming face. Anyone would want that." Yuta sounded so defensive that Taeil laughed. 

 

"Charming, you say?" Taeil enunciates, eyeing Yuta's coffee. "Do you still drink coffee without sugar on them?" 

 

Instead of nodding, Yuta tries to explain it this time before Taeil could create his similes about Yuta's bitter life again. "It's stomach friendly and strengthens me, you should try it sometimes." 

 

"Then you should make a cup or two for Taeyong?" Taeil suggested, that catches Yuta's attention. Not because of the mention of the name, Yuta would still be wary even if it was Jaehyun or Ten or even Youngho they'd be talking about. 

 

"Taeyong?" He asks again, just to make sure, and maybe Taeil would explain. Because he won't directly ask why does Taeyong needs strength and what's the matter with him, because these are things Taeyong never tells him why. 

 

Humming, Taeil raised a brow at him. "Yes, Taeyong." 

 

Yuta stares down at his mug, a little disappointed with the lack of justification. "Yes, Taeyong." He repeats in a whisper. 

 

"Must be stressful. Are you being nice to him, then?" Taeil asked, serious. 

 

It wasn't a joke time, he supposes. His eyebrows knitted together when he looks back up at Taeil who's gaze is aimed at him directly. In fact, no, he just yelled at Taeyong and it probably made him upset, though that's something he wouldn't admit. But why is there a need for Yuta to be nice to Taeyong?

 

Before Yuta could ask, Taeil gasped and says, "Don't tell me you didn't know?" 

 

"Know what?" 

 

That's when Taeil explained to him. Yuta doesn't have a phone, nor a laptop so he doesn't have any access to the internet. Often times, their manager would let him borrow his iPad so Yuta could talk to his family. Apparently, a rumor about Taeyong had turned up, that he scammed people in the past. Under SM, Taeyong released a statement regarding it, apologizing. But what confused him the most, is his knowledge of Taeyong's incapability to commit such an offense. Never possible, Yuta repeats in his head. He reckons the company made Taeyong apologize for something he didn't do, and that's bullshit. 

 

"I don't care if he did it or not, but the comments are ridiculous. Nothing Taeyong deserves." Taeil shook his head, finishing the last sip of his tea. 

 

None of them speak for awhile, and Yuta stares blankly on the table. To what extent can people go in order to be satisfied by hurting someone? What relish is in there? Humans are incredulous.

 

Yuta decides to call it a night and retreats to his room. Taeyong is still sleeping, and Yuta noticed his creased brows when he stares on his figure. It's as if all the emotions Taeyong bottled up in the daylight shows off when he's unaware. It must've hurt a lot. He wonders if Taeyong had talk to Youngho about it, or to Jaehyun, because it seemed like he hadn't to Taeil. 

 

It's getting late so Yuta went back to his own bed to sleep. 

 

 

 

 

 

In the morning, it's a usual routine that Taeyong is already awake, cleaned their room and outside before Yuta could even open his eyes. So Yuta finds it odd when he sat up and sees Taeyong still on his bed, he's wearing a shirt this time, back against him so he isn't sure if he's still sleeping or awake. It's 8 o'clock, and although their dance practice wouldn't start until one in the afternoon, it's still uncommon for Taeyong to still be on his bed at this hour. 

 

Hearing the shifting on his bed, Taeyong turns on the other side to look at him. His eyes were swollen, and Yuta knows it's not only from the sleep. "You're awake." Taeyong says. "Good morning." 

 

Yuta would ask why Taeyong looks like a mess but he already knows the answer, so it's not going to make sense. Because Yuta couldn't console him, it's not his personality. "Good morning." He replies, yawning. 

 

"Do you want breakfast?" Taeyong asked, already sitting up. 

 

"Should I make it? Let me make it." Yuta insist. 

 

"You?" 

 

"Yes."

 

"Alright. I'll join you to the kitchen." 

 

 

Yuta wonders if Taeyong doesn't want to be left alone. But the moment Yuta looks at him, Taeyong is looking back, like he got the gist of the change in Yuta's conduct that day. Don't pity me, his eyes screams so loud that Yuta dropped his gaze back to chop the sausages. 

 

"Why are laughing?" 

 

Taeyong brushes his morning hair off his forehead, suppressing his laughter when Yuta throw daggers at him. "You, holding a sausage is really silly to watch." 

 

Yuta doesn't know what Taeyong is trying to imply, or if he's even insinuating anything, but he flushed red anyway. Hesitantly, loss for words, he picks the knife but drops it again when Taeyong is still staring. "You, do it." He hisses, sitting beside Taeyong on the counter and playfully shoving him off a chair. 

 

"You're so violent!" Taeyong wails, and falls off his chair. Before his bottom hits the ground, Yuta catches him. 

 

It wasn't intentional, Yuta swore he didn't mean to push Taeyong harshly. Thanks to his fast reflex, he's able to catch the other on the waist, keeping him still. On his arms, Taeyong breathes heavily, completely taken by surprise.

 

"Not that I know what you two are doing, but, I don't want to interrupt, please continue." 

 

Both heads turned to the door frame where Doyoung stands, he reached for a box of milk in fridge just beside the door and leaves right away. This new trainee, at first Yuta envies him. Kim Doyoung was a fresh grad from middle school, undeniably intelligent and sings like an angel. But he's too straightforward, and Yuta hates his guts.

 

Petrified, Yuta forgets what was happening and it isn't until Taeyong pries his hands away that Yuta realizes their position. Likely an awkward display.......? Yuta wishes he wasn't shirtless. 

 

He'd leave to go back to his room, but when his eyes catches a glimpse of Taeyong's face, an agonizing expression, and Yuta swore he isn't just imagining things. When he looks again, Taeyong is sporting his stoic face again and proceeds to cut the sausages Yuta gave up on, but Yuta knows he's just masking it. "D--did I hurt you?" Yuta ask, embarrassed. 

 

Though he looks up at Yuta for a split second, Taeyong ignores this, preceding to cutting the sausages. He, then, reached a top of the shelf for a tomato sauce, boiling it with water on a pan. 

 

Yuta could only watch. He isn't exactly clueless in the kitchen, perhaps he could lend Taeyong a hand on preparing the toasted bread and juice. But there's something numbing about the way Taeyong moves, his eyelashes flattering every time he blinks, chest heaving up and down every time breathes. A strange pressure sprouts on Yuta's heart, growing to take over all of his insides. As if it's a one-in-a-million chance to gaze, Yuta doesn't look away even when Taeyong caught him staring. It's back, and it's crazy. The attraction knows Yuta is forbidden, and tried to suppress. But Taeyong's enticement is more powerful than Yuta's will. 

 

Shaking the thought off his head, he jolts up his seat when someone enters the room with loud footsteps. Jumbled, Youngho stopped on his tracks to look at him. 

 

"What?" Youngho groans. His hear sticking out everywhere, face unwashed from his sleep. 

 

Yuta couldn't make up an alibi as to why he'd be startled, to the point where he stood up from his seat, by the sound of someone entering the kitchen. There's a glint in Youngho's eyes, diverting his gaze from Taeyong back to Yuta. A teasing expression that came to a halt, and it's like Youngho had read Yuta's mind for this return, because he's going to mock again for sure. 

 

"Youngho, do you want pancakes?" 

 

Youngho's eyes grew big at the offer, as if he'd forgotten Yuta's existence when he gasped, "Oh, pancakes!", and he strides towards Taeyong. 

 

Heaving a sigh, Yuta decides to leave. In the living room, Ten is fast asleep occupying the largest settee. Beside him, Jaehyun is dozing off too. These sarcastic pair likes to stick on each other's pants, they've become inseperable, with Ten leaving Yuta out most of the time. Not that it bothers him, but there are things he couldn't quite easily open up to just anyone but Ten. On the smaller settee on the side, Taeil sits there, sound asleep. By this hour, Yuta should still be sleeping too. No amount of sleep can appease the exhaustion from long hours of training. 

 

"My pancakes, my pancakes." Youngho singsongs from the dining area, the sound of plates he's setting clanks against the table. 

 

Yuta walks to where he is, and Ten, as though the word pancakes rang a bell to his ears jumps up and walks past Yuta, almost pushing him to the wall. "This dimwit." He hisses. 

 

"What's with the foul word? Go wear a shirt, Yuta." 

 

Suddenly, Yuta feels so naked when all eyes on the table are on him. Not like they aren't use to seeing each other shirtless, Taeil walks around shirtless a lot, too. But today is different and everyone has a shirt on except for Yuta, and Taeyong had to lecture him. As if it's going to change anything, Yuta lifts his palms to cover his chest, making Youngho laugh. 

 

"He means your body isn't good to look at." Youngho sneers, patting the seat next to him. Which brings confusion because both Yuta and Taeyong that remained standing comes to him, and when Taeyong sat, Youngho pushed him to Yuta's direction. 

 

Laughter erupts, and for the second time today, Yuta finds himself petrified, fingers trembling as he feels Taeyong's skin against his. As if it wasn't overwhelming enough, Taeyong grasp at Yuta's shoulder for leverage as he hits Youngho that don't seem to hurt at all, his body still so close to Yuta. 

 

Speechless, Yuta remained frozen on his foot, allowing Taeyong to wander on his personal boundary without moving an inch. Perhaps, he wants it to last longer, Taeyong's thin body and soft skin that smells like ocean flavoured cologne against his. When Taeyong pulls away to take the seat on the other side of the table Jaehyun offers, there's a faint lopsided grin on Youngho's face shooting at Yuta. Ignore it, like the usual, Yuta reminds himself. He already imagine how Youngho will bombard him with witty nicknames like 'defensive', or worse, 'lover boy'. Either way, both is awful, so as much as he can, he doesn't talk about it. Youngho might have an idea that he doesn't entertain himself, they are both guys and there's no way Yuta is going to like Taeyong, that, he believes. Which is why he never really talk to Yuta about it and never goes overboard with his teasing. Even their other members is oblivious to it. 

 

Taking a spoonful of the three layered pancakes on his plate, Yuta keeps his head low, not wanting to make eye contact that could start conversation with anybody. He just listens to everyone, and of course, as though it's part of a ritual every time they dine all together, Doyoung and Ten's timeless banters would take place. 

 

"So, Hansol. Who's more attractive, me or Doyoung?" Ten questions. His raise of voice make everyone in the table silent. 

 

This make Yuta looks up, and sees all eyes are one Hansol, awaiting his response. The older though, looks rather clueless on what to say, spoon dangling on his lips. This happens often, because Hansol is too nice to scold, which lead the others to make fun of him. 

 

"Why--- Do I need to answer that?" 

 

Laughter erupts in the table, and to Yuta's surprise, Taeyong was laughing along with everyone. Usually, he wouldn't be, more or less he'll be lecturing them to leave Hansol alone. Taeil, though the oldest among them, enjoys mockery and allows such teasing to happen. Youngho is also a starter. But Taeyong most of the time doesn't tolerate it.

 

"Doyoung, of course." Youngho is the one to answer, guffawing when Ten's face turned into an ugly scowl. 

 

As though sensing him concealing his presence, Ten turns to Yuta saying, "Yuta, is that true?" At first, it was for sympathy, because everyone in the table in suddenly on Doyoung's side. But whenever Yuta acts like an outsider, Ten doesn't allow it. Yuta doesn't know what to say so Ten followed it up with a mimic of a birds singing. 

 

Yuta is usually noisy and a heckler, and from the reaction of his members, staring expectantly at him as if waiting for Yuta to say something, whatever word they could laugh on about to get even. So instead, he ignore the attention, nimbling at the tiny bits of pancake he's been chewing for a minute. From the corner of his eyes, he noticed Taeyong staring blankly on his direction, but not to him, and somewhere beyond him rather. He could tell Taeyong is thinking, a deep sense of weariness. Without a second thought Yuta gazes at him, not beyond him, but deep into Taeyong's eyes. Even if his eyes couldn't say the words that hangs on his lips, maybe someday that chance will come along. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Yuta enters the room before midnight after his tectonic Marvel vs. Capcom match with Jaehyun that went on for three hours, a victorious night for him and his ears still rings from Johnny's trash talks. A sudden change of mood drapes on his shoulder when he sees Taeyong alone on his bed, making the smile on his face fade in an instant. He wasn't doing anything, just lying on his side and gazing far, entirely different from when he finds Taeyong alone in the room on his phone or tidying up. This time, it's like he is utterly alone. 

 

When Yuta closes the door behind him, he expects Taeyong to say something, or look at his the direction at the very least. But there wasn't any, and Yuta feels like he's alone too. 

 

"You didn't say a word in breakfast, lunch, dinner, and you aren't scolding me either." 

 

Slowly, Taeyong shifts on his bed and turns on his side to look at him. Eyes full of emotions Yuta couldn't put his hands on. "You want me to scold you?" 

 

A little, the question takes him by surprise. Yuta felt a bit blank, but Taeyong talks to him at least. So he nods, unable to mask the smile that creeps up his lips now that Taeyong's attention is on him. 

 

There's a faint smile on Taeyong's lips when he says, "Yuta, keep quiet. I wanted to sleep but couldn't because you kept on yelling at Youngho. You were so loud. There, better?" 

 

In Yuta's head, it wasn't important. He could only think about how he wants to pull Taeyong out of this emptiness. He wants to crumble the wall between them, that he built alone out of unspoken words. He hates the confusion, the inexplicable something that holds him back. Maybe if Yuta doesn't feel these strong effects on him, then maybe approaching him wouldn't be so difficult. Then again, Yuta finds himself speechless. Not only by Taeyong's beauty, but the person that he is. 

 

"Why are you staring at me?" 

 

Yuta swallows the lump on his throat he didn't know he was holding, and watches as Taeyong stand up from his bed and walks to his direction. Yuta is nervous when he shouldn't be, and Taeyong sits beside him. "You can sit on my bed, but I can't sit on yours. Now that's unfair." 

 

Taeyong snorts, falling limply on Yuta's bed. "If you keep complaining, how am I going to fall asleep?" 

 

"On my bed?" Yuta ask. 

 

Taeyong groaned, lifting a pillow to cover his face that he thrusts on Yuta's back. "Let me sleep." 

 

"Alright, then I'll sleep on your bed." Yuta announced when Taeyong's whole body occupied his bed, making himself comfortable. 

 

"Don't even try." Taeyong warns. 

 

"Then go back to your bed, Tae---" Yuta's throat run dry, retracting his fingers quick that grazes the exposed skin on Taeyong's back. Is Taeyong going to sleep on his bed?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The unavoidable happened, and now Youngho is having the time of his life, even tagging Ten along which means everyone else is at it too. This morning, Youngho finds Taeyong and Yuta asleep together on the bed. Which shouldn't be a big deal at all, but it's Youngho.

 

This morning when he got out of his room, he found Jaehyun and Ten asleep, or pretending to, judging from the suppressed smirks on their face, on the couch, bodies pressed together. It's only when Yuta checked his phone in the car on the way to SM building, Youngho sent him a photo. When he clicked to view it, it was him and Taeyong asleep, their bodies pressed together. In the photo, Taeyong's leg is draped over Yuta's waist. They were facing each other, foreheads almost touching. Before he could get angry, his face flushed first. He looks inside the car, Taeyong is at the front seat looking nonchalance about. It's either Youngho didn't send him the pic or that it wasn't a big deal unlike it is to Yuta. He wonder if Youngho, who's in the other car, sent it to everyone else except for Taeyong. 

 

It was lunch time when Yuta gets to corner Youngho in the restroom. They were the last to brush their teeth before everyone else resume to practice, and Yuta made sure it's just the two of them alone and locked the door behind him. 

 

"What? I thought you left with everyone." Youngho says, drying his face with a towel.

 

"Are you kidding me? Why did you take that picture?" Yuta scoffs, the calmest way he could. 

 

"Oh." Youngho mutters, as though Yuta had said the most nonsensical thing he ever heard. "What of it? " 

 

"What ofdo it?!" Scoffing again, this time, Yuta couldn't hide the irritation on his face. What Youngho doesn't go through is what he wouldn't be able to understand. "That wasn't fucking funny." 

 

"Ha, why so angry?" Youngho holds his hands up in defense. "What's the big deal? It's not like you really like him." 

 

"I... I ..." Yuta is confused and defenseless. He couldn't say a word for awhile. 

 

"So you do?" Youngho ask. 

 

"No, I do---n't. Of course! I don't like him at all." 

 

For a brief moment, Youngho gaped at him and nods to himself, but not because he believed Yuta. "It's not like you would stutter so badly if I ask you that."

 

Before Yuta could deny, Youngho speaks again. The same time there was a knock on the door, and it was Taeyong calling for them. 

 

Worried, Yuta looks Youngho in the eye. Clueless of what to do. 

 

"By the way, I'm not going to tell anyone. Or him. So don't worry." Youngho pats Yuta on the shoulder before they exit the restroom. 

 

 

 

 

 

There was a day when Taeyong had a break down and Yuta finds himself sitting on his bed, watching Youngho comforting a crying Taeyong from across the room. Every time Youngho tells him everything is going to be alright, Taeyong would nod like a pampered pet who listens well to his owner. It's going to be okay, Youngho would say, and Taeyong will believe him without any doubt. 

 

Yuta wonder if he should just leave. It's not like he was needed there. But he couldn't move, like he's stuck on a container he doesn't want to be in. I don't wanna be here, he thinks out loud and as though Youngho hears him, he looks at Yuta's direction and nods his head a little. Yuta doesn't know what he means, but it's certainly doesn't mean Youngho wants him to leave the room. So, with slow steps, he moves closer to them. Trying his best to subdue the jealousy that lingers within him, because Youngho is hugging Taeyong's small body and Taeyong is holding him that shows how much he depends Youngho. That much he trust him. 

 

With doubtful hand, Yuta placed it on Taeyong's head who inclined his head slightly to look at him. His eyes were swollen, dark with painful emotions Yuta wants to take away from him. "Don't cry." He coos, but it only made Taeyong cry more. He grasp at Yuta's shirt to pull him down for an embrace, and he whimpers on Yuta's chest. He looks up at Youngho, and the air speaks the words for them. Youngho understands him, that it wasn't Yuta taking advantage or Taeyong, it's Yuta being there for him. 

 

When Youngho stood up and leaves the room, Taeyong holds him tighter. No words are exchanged between them, and with wary hands, Yuta holds him too. He traces the spine on Taeyong's back to comfort him, and he retracts his hands when he felt Taeyong shivered at the touch. Apart from Taeyong's arms, silence wraps itself around Yuta. As if urging him to say something. But Youngho said it all, except for one thing. 

 

"I'll stay here with you." Yuta whispers. A promise.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They fell asleep like that, and like Youngho promised, there wasn't a photo the next day that Jaehyun and Ten could make fun of. When he woke up, Taeyong was already out of bed and he finds him in the kitchen with Yukhei who's watching the older cooks. 

 

"Good morning, you're up early." Taeyong greets him with a smile. 

 

The butterflies in his stomach were frenzied this early and Yuta feels like throwing up, mustering all his strength to smile back which ends up to an lopsided smirk. It had Yukhei laughing. 

 

"Does he sleep shirtless all the time?" Yukhei asked Taeyong. 

 

"Well, unfortunately." Taeyong playfully rolled his eyes. 

 

Again, Yuta feels so naked so he covers his chest with his hands. "Hey, you sleep shirtless too. You think I don't know, don't you?" 

 

Taeyong gapes at him, opening his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. Fortunately for him, Yukhei says on his defense, "I think that's fine Yuta, but walking around without a shirt on in this cold weather..." 

 

"Fine, fine." Yuta hisses, striding back to his room to get his shirt. It's still damp of Taeyong's tears. Damn he cried too much, he thought. He rummages to his closet but finds no shirt so he searches on Taeyong's instead, wondering how much scolding he would get if he wears Taeyong's clothes. When he gets back on the kitchen, Taeyong only spared him a three second glance without saying anything. 

 

Before Yuta could take a seat at the kitchen counter, Yukhei excuses himself and thanked Taeyong for the coffee. Again, it's the two of them alone. He watches Taeyong's back as he works on the stove. His shoulder rising and falling with every deep breath that fills the silence between them. Yuta could still feel Taeyong's body against his, the thought making him shiver. He wonders if Taeyong still feels heavy. 

 

He contemplates which is better, whether he strike up an innocuous conversation to kill the thin air that surrounds them, or if he goes straight to the point and ask how Taeyong feels. Asking the latter, might worsen Taeyong's day ahead, so he says instead, "You know, Jaehyun is such a trash for Yoona. When we met her at the hallway yesterday, he asked for an autograph. He looks hilarious." 

 

"Did you asked for an autograph as well? You seem to like her a lot too." 

 

Yuta hummed at the last part. "No I didn't. I told you, I like Taeyong." 

 

Taeyong stares at him. "You like me?" 

 

"Ah, what. I mean.. Taeyeon. Ah I said it wrongly? Oh. It's just.. Too similar." Yuta raises in his hands in defense.  
"Like...I swear... I..... Don't get the wrong idea."

 

Taeyong let's out a loud laughter, his eyes crinkled that had Yuta worrying what kind of face he's making for Taeyong to see. 

 

"Alright, alright." Taeyong giggles and turns back to the stove. "Can you call on Jaehyun? I need some help around here." 

 

Still flustered, Yuta thinks it over. Jaehyun is probably still asleep. No, it shouldn't matter whether he is or not. He wants Taeyong to know that he can rely on him too. "I'm here. How about I help you?" He offers, standing up. 

 

With wary eyes, Taeyong looks at him. "Okay. Then, how about you wash the rice cakes?" 

 

"Fine, fine." Yuta walks to the counter and takes the pack of rice cakes. "That's easy."

 

"Easy?" Taeyong laughs. 

 

"Back in Japan, I sometimes try to be useful in the kitchen. But very carefully useful so my mother won't scold me." Yuta washes his hands first, reaching out for a huge bowl in the cabinet. Taeyong hands him a scissor to cut the plastic or rice cakes before he wash and boils it. 

 

"You probably miss her, don't you?" 

 

"A lot." Yuta sighed. 

 

"Then why do you always ignore her calls?" Taeyong asked. "I'm...sorry I shouldn't have---" 

 

"No, it's okay." Yuta looks at him, a faint smile on his lips to put him off his worry. "Whenever I do, I feel sorry. I think I'll only be able to face her once all these...dreams... come true. I want her to be proud of me someday." 

 

"Of course she is, Yuta." Taeyong says with conviction, eyes turning into crescents. 

 

Yuta had put a limit on how long and often shall he allow himself to stare at Taeyong, but then he lost track of it. It's only until Taeyong mouths a "Why?" does he realized he's been gazing for long. Because you're so beautiful and I can't help it, Yuta would reason out. But he had lost all his reasons to the inescapable admiration Yuta knows is wrong. "I'm sorry." He says.

 

Laughing, Taeyong threw a crumpled tissue that hits Yuta on the nose, pointing at the sink. "I don't know what you're apologizing for but the water's already pouring out, mind you." 

 

Yuta jerks a little when he sees some rice cakes climbing out of the bowl already. "Oh shit." He gasped, turning the faucet off and lifting the bowl from the sink. Yuta placed it on the counter, mentally slapping himself as he looks at the rice cakes that seems like they're drowning. 

 

"That's fine." Taeyong says. "Just go watch T.V or something. I'll take care of everything here." 

 

But Yuta wants to stay here with him. If only he was useful. If he messes up on the simplest thing, how can Taeyong rely on him? "Can I.. stay?" 

 

The air around him tightens when Taeyong looks at him with a questioning look, so confused, as if demanding an answer of what that question meant. And Yuta only stares at him with a gaze that says, do you want to know? And again, Taeyong shakes it off. Laughing as he scurried to the stove to turn it off. "Of course, Yuta." 

 

"Of course." Yuta repeats, elated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After the practice, Yuta decides to take a long shower once their back at the dorm. There's a seperate comfort room inside their shared room, and just awhile back, Taeyong and him raced to the door to whom will shower first. Stronger, Yuta manhandles Taeyong away who reaches the knob first, and Taeyong's been whining ever since.

 

The water was cold, and it soothes Yuta's hurting back and neck. Like all his body pain goes down the drain. The cold relaxes his lungs, taking out all the exhaustion he's gone through the whole day. And Yuta finds himself in a marvelous peace when the whining from the outside quiets down, until the door to the shower opens that hits Yuta's back. "What the!" He screams, pushing the door back to close it. The lock has long been broken but neither of them bothered to fix it, but Yuta is having a second thought at that decision now.

 

"You're taking too long!" On the other side of the door, Taeyong whines with resistance to open the door again.

 

"Fine---fine! Give me five minutes!" 

 

"No!" 

 

"Three minutes---- two minutes! Two minutes!" Yuta panics, using his full weight to shove the door back.

 

"Okay." 

 

Yuta hears him says, sighing when Taeyong finally decides to stop and allows him to close the door and he reached out for his towel. This time, Taeyong pushed the door and shimmies inside the small shower room before Yuta could even wrap the towel on his waist to cover himself. "Taeyong, what the fuck!" He screams. He had too much trust on Taeyong that he wouldn't actually do it, and Yuta mentally slaps himself at that.

 

"Why are you cussing?!" Taeyong complains, as though cussing is more offending than walking in on someone who's taking a shower. "It's not like you have things I don't have myself." 

 

"That's not it!" Yuta blushes, and wishes Taeyong wouldn't see it. Because they're both naked, squeezed inside a small room with only the water from the shower seperating their skin. Taeyong pushed him to take over under the shower, and Yuta hits his back hard on the wall. He tries not to stare, ignoring that Taeyong is completely naked for him to see, and of course he fails. An unwelcome heat pools in his stomach, and Yuta turns around and covers his eyes, hitting his head on the wall in the process. 

 

"Your butt looks funny." Taeyong comments. 

 

"Please---please just fucking get out already." Yuta pleads through gritted teeth. 

 

"Stop cussing at me! I'm older than you." 

 

That night, Yuta lies on his bed. His back pressed heavily on the covers, eyes laid blankly on the ceiling. His hair is still dripping with water and soaking the pillow, but he could careless. As though it never happened, Yuta barely believes Taeyong walked in on him in the shower, and he thinks he only imagined it. He closed his eyes and takes a deep breath, and like an abrasive dark clouds the wonder of it all settles over him. He felt a gentle shiver when he hears the door of the comfort room opened, and Taeyong's footsteps followed suit. 

 

"Ah, the water was nice." Taeyong says with a yawn, as if nothing happened. 

 

Did anything happen? Yuta asked himself. 

 

 

 

 

 

This is where his dream begins, Yuta thinks as he along with the members passed by a group of female students inside the mall calling out to their names. After the introduction and the dance video that was uploaded on SMTown Youtube channel, people began to recognize them. He smiles back at them, and waved as they entered the restaurant door. 

 

Still, Yuta couldn't stop laughing at Taeil's shocked expression who looks more or less spooked than gratified from the fans they just met. Jaehyun wouldn't stop teasing him about it too. 

 

"You're gonna scare your fans away if you keep that expression." Ten comments. 

 

"Shut up, just let me think." Taeil hisses, still sporting the expression. 

 

"He's ridiculous." Yuta laughs, taking a seat beside Taeyong. It became a habit, no rather, it was mechanical. Like automatic machines, they function without commands. Whether in the car, in their dorm dining hall, at the company's cafeteria or at restaurants and coffee shops they visit, they stick beside each other. But it didn't make sense, because they weren't glued nor magnetized, and it just happened. Like there's a sense of completion, on Yuta's part, whenever he's with Taeyong. And maybe, just maybe, Taeyong feels it too. 

 

"I'll get your order." Taeyong says, passing him a menu list with the foreign alphabet he'd gotten used to read by now. He rested his forehead on Yuta's shoulder, a habit he always does whenever he watches Yuta play on his phone or when he waits for him to say something. 

 

"I don't know anything about these sorts of crabs, could you order for me?" He says coyly, offering him a wide grin.

 

Taeyong snorts a little. "Fine, close that big mouth of yours." .

 

"Close it." Yuta says through gritted teeth, his lips still parted as he playfully lean towards him. 

 

"Stop it, Yuta." Taeyong scowls, patting him on the mouth but complains when he gets Yuta's saliva on his palm. 

 

Yuta laughs, squeezing Taeyong's leg under the table that was draped on his. 

 

"Are you two done flirting?" Doyoung chimes in. "What's your order?" 

 

Thankfully, Yuta hadn't cut his hair yet. His ears turn visibly red in an instant whenever he's flustered, and his hair now covers it. 

 

It must have been just nothing, really nothing, but Taeyong stammers a little when he answers, "Ga--garlic butter baked crabs for us both." 

 

With an intent mockery, Doyoung smirks, his lips curled in an annoying manner. But this time, he wasn't looking at Yuta, he's looking at Taeyong who drops his gaze to his plate as if it was something interesting. The discourse had everyone in the table quiet, and they just stare at the two of them when Doyoung leaves the table to order.

 

Suddenly, laughter erupts and it was Jungwoo making an annoying sound directed at them. "Taeyong hyung got embarrassed." He points out. 

 

"Did he?" Was Youngho's enthusiastic question. 

 

"No." Taeyong says stern, rolling his eyes. 

 

Yuta doesn't believe it was the case, but even himself would like to imagine it, that Taeyong got flustered about the two of them too. "He likes me." He tells everyone, ignoring Johnny's judging look at him. 

 

"Wait he's not denying it!" Jaehyun guffaws, pointing an accusatory finger at the older. 

 

It didn't fell on deaf ears, for certain. But Taeyong is feigning ignorance, like he didn't hear anything and busies himself with his phone. Studying his face, Yuta doesn't think he's flustered, or annoyed, but it's a blank expression Yuta would want to explore more. What his expression meant, and what's inside Taeyong's head.


	2. 2.

 

~

 

 

 

 

The night is deep and it's quiet in the dorm.  
Cold shower in a chilly weather is completely terrifying, but Yuta is one of the people who enjoys the refreshing shivers it sends through his skin. He pours a small amount of aloe vera shampoo onto his palm, closing his eyes as he massages his newly dyed light brown hair under the shower. In a moment his scalp starts to hurt, and it made him conscious about his long nails he knows Taeyong will scold him about. Just as the name mentions in his head, Yuta hears footsteps right outside the shower door.

 

"It's your birthday in three two weeks, what do you want for a gift?"

 

Like a flash, he strides to the door to keep the knob closed. It has yet to be fixed and he didn't consider to have it repaired since the last time Taeyong walks in on him to shower together didn't happen again. But that he's waiting for it to happen again, honestly. "You--- you don't plan on barging in again? Don't you?"

 

When Taeyong didn't respond, Yuta tightens his grip on the knob. He attempts to reach out for the towel, but if he does, he had to step back away from the door and that won't be the best idea right now.

 

"Why do you have such dirty thoughts?" Taeyong replies blunt.

 

"Hey, you're one to speak!" Yuta didn't have to check himself in the mirror to know that he's red in the face, recalling the scene in his head. Taeyong's thin waist, perfectly white skin and ------- shit.

 

After a long pause, Taeyong repeats the question. "What should I get you for your birthday?"

 

There's an unexpected, overwhelming force, hearing the question for another time, that sits heavily on Yuta's chest. Like a hard lump there is in Yuta's throat when he mutters, the impossibility, "Nothing you can give me."

 

"Wow?" Taeyong scoffs, sounding offended.

 

For sure, Taeyong didn't like the answer but he said it anyway. It's like there is a word barrier, even when they speak the same language.

 

"That's not what you say to someone who's just trying to a good friend, just, how dare you." Taeyong follows with a resigned sigh.

 

Yuta listens as footsteps fades, and he knows he didn't need to worry because Taeyong anyway isn't angry. Not for now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Their room was completely dark, only the bright moonlight to light up the place. When he got out from the shower, drying his hair with the towel, he sees Taeyong curled up on the bed to his sides. Under the blanket, Yuta could make out that he was using his phone. It's obvious that he's making a point that he's pissed.

 

Yuta plans to go to the kitchen, where Taeil is probably having a coffee and they could have a late night talk off their worries. But Yuta is reticent when it comes to this...he doubts he'll be able to tell Taeil that he doesn't want to go to bed if Taeyong is mad at him.

 

Slowly, Yuta makes himself comfortable as he lie down on Taeyong's side. Trying to make out what the other is doing, though it seems Taeyong is just playing some game on his phone judging from the screen light that emerges from the blanket. He didn't hear a complain, when Yuta wraps an arm around Taeyong's small waist. It's the first time Yuta initiates it, only because he wonders how Taeyong can freely and carelessly touch others the same way, without the abnormal thumping on his chest like the effects it has on Yuta right now. A little, he leans back, afraid Taeyong will notice his erratic heart that wouldn't stop pounding. The truth so impossible to spill over, that Yuta would rather leave it in the dark.

 

"Yuta, you just got out of the shower. You're going to wet my pillow with your hair." Taeyong groans, pulling the blanket off his head. The phone screen shows he's messaging with his sister on Kakao. But he didn't make a move to push Yuta away.

 

The back of Taeyong's hair smells of sweet shampoo, and Yuta leans closer to breath him in. All sort of beautiful things seeps, Taeyong's smile and the sound of his laughter, bits by bits into his brain. As though a beautiful path opens to where his contented heart should follow. That's only when Yuta realized that, he really got it so bad. "Damn." Yuta whispers without thinking, receiving a questioning hum from Taeyong. "For my birthday, I want....."

 

Taeyong hums again, putting his phone down under the pillow to listen to Yuta with full interest. Like always, he's so attentive of Yuta, and he wonders if he's just imagining it. Because for him, Taeyong is the music he wants to listen to.

 

"Don't mind it." Yuta exhales, his brain couldn't form a coherent thought. He couldn't just tell Taeyong what Yuta wants for his birthday, can he? His intentions for him are clean, and he wouldn't take advantage any day for that. If anything, Yuta would want to escape if a door to exit will open.

 

"Don't mind what?" Taeyong whispers, voice serious and deep like he's carving Yuta's heart to understand that.

 

No word was able to spill out of his lips, and Yuta breathed in the suffocating air that surrounds them.

 

"Do you want to go home? I'm sorry, Yuta. I couldn't do anything about that." Taeyong exhales loud. " I want you to celebrate it with everyone, but you want to celebrate it with your family, of course." Taeyong says in wistful voice.

 

"There's no need for you to feel sorry." Yuta reassures him.

 

"But it wouldn't be sad, I promise. We can have a small party and invite Yoona and Taeyeon noona. You will like that, don't you?"

 

Yuta chuckles. "Just be there, I won't be sad."

 

"Of course we'll all be there. I, Youngho, Ten, and even Doyoung, your greatest enemy, we'll all be there to celebrate your day with you, Yuta."

 

Yuta doesn't know whether he should be relieved or not that Taeyong didn't get his request, so he says, "That sounds fun." Taeyong will be there, Yuta repeats in his head.

 

"That sounds sarcastic." Taeyong shifts on the bed to face Yuta, making out his face on the darkness.

 

The proximity tightens the air on Yuta's lungs, so he uses his arms to manhandle Taeyong so the back of his hair is facing Yuta again. "I hate the smell of your toothpaste." Yuta reasons for his actions, earning a slap on the head from Taeyong. But it was gentle and didn't hurt at all. He only noticed that Taeyong wasn't wearing a shirt underneath, when the blanket falls down to his waist at the movement.

 

The warmth of Taeyong's skin under his fingers--- a confusing mess starts to swirl around his head, like it's going to burst any moment. The only coherent words that comes out of his lips is, "I think you lost weight."

 

"Did I?" Taeyong ask, he reaches for Yuta's hands and guides it underneath the blanket to the expanse of his stomach, resting it above. "Where are you touching, honestly?"

 

Taken aback, Yuta pulls his hand away. He'd reason that he never complained when Taeyong initiates skinship like this, but that will only make him sound defensive. And that Taeyong was the one who guides his hand on his stomach anyway.

 

"I just suddenly thought about that time, when you saw me naked."

 

"H--huh?" Yuta snarled, incredulous. He feels his face hot. "Hey, you saw me naked too! And it's your fault you walked in!"

 

"Fine, stop being so malicious." Taeyong exhales in annoyance and Yuta wonders if he's making fun of him right now, contrasting his words.

 

"Just....." Yuta sighs, shifting to rest his head on the expanse of Taeyong's neck. Where it feels heavenly warm. "Don't ever do that again."

 

"And don't shower long, I don't want you to get sick." Taeyong says with a yawn.

 

"Why are you saying that." Yuta laughs, hiding the fact that he's flustered. He's flash Taeyong couldn't see his red face right now.

 

"Aren't you going back to your bed?"

 

"Can't I stay here?" Yuta asked, hopeful.

 

Taeyong didn't answer, nuzzling his head on the pillow and dozing off to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuta didn't think their first stage performance will be sooner than expected. An SM Town concert will be held in Shanghai and they will present as SM Rookies, along with the other artists on their company. When asked if he's excited for their flight the next day, Yuta choked on his fries and tells Jaehyun he would die of anxiousness.

 

"I can't imagine being upstage in front of thousands of people." Yuta dramatically says, putting three sugar cubes in his coffee before taking a sip. The liquid was sweet, sweeter than Yuta had expected that it didn't taste like coffee at all. Why did I even do it? He thought.

 

Everyone in the table laughs at this, especially Taeil who's further aware of Yuta not liking sweet drinks from their midnight coffee sessions. It seems they always mind to lend an ear whenever Yuta had anything to say. They find him funny, and Yuta is quite the easy going who can get along and be silly with anyone. Except for one person, because of Yuta's tedious heart, but he didn't have to mention that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The stereo blares loud, echoing the through the hall of the gigantic colosseum. Each beat of the music pounds along with his chest. The performance went smoothly, according to their manager, and he even praised the boys for doing so well on stage. They were the opening before EXO performed, and Yuta could still feel his heart pounding right out of his chest when they climb down the back stage, his throat dry in agitation. Hands cold and feet numb from the sensation in performing in the crowds of thousands of people. If anything, he isn't quite certain how well or badly he performed. Everything is a blur, and all Yuta could recall is the vivid light from the stage and the audience that clouded his eyes. Mind focussed on the blaring music, and only thinking how he could get it over with.

 

In utter disbelief, Yuta stilled at the front door of the dressing room. Nervous at the thought that maybe, he did a mistake and might be scolded once he enters the dressing room where his members disappears to.

 

"Yuta."

 

A voice so familiar and sweet, Yuta would never be mistaken who it belongs to. He looks up to Taeyong who called out his name, holding a bottled water to his face. It's just then, he realized that the hallway was empty. Since their dressing room is at the far side of the backstage, and the coordinators and staffs would be busy working with the artists still on the front line to perform. It's just Taeyong and him standing there, with only the sound of the blasting music from the stereos that separates the air between them.

 

Covered in sweat, Taeyong's eyeliner are smudged. His lips red and wet from drinking from the bottled water Yuta has long forgotten Taeyong is offering him. He swallows thick, diverting his gaze elsewhere but Taeyong's lips. "Thanks." He says, taking a sip and willing his heart to calm. But then he remembers Taeyong drank from the same bottled water to, and it's like an indirect.....Yuta swallows his bottim lip, forcing a little smile.

 

"I had fun, are you still nervous?" Taeyong says, catching his breath.

 

"Yeah...... That was... I don't know." Yuta laughed to himself, but lying that he isn't nervous wouldn't make any sense if anyone would catch a glimpse of his terrified face.

 

The performance stage was nothing like the a field in a football stadium. By now, Yuta should be used to being watched. But it's different, and the confidence he'd learn to muster kicking a football and running around a field had gone down the drain. With no trace of it for Yuta to utilize while he was on the stage earlier.

 

"Don't worry, I was nervous too. It just felt nice that after months of practicing that dance, we are able to show it to everyone on a very cool stage." Taeyong gently pats him on the shoulder.

 

Instead of agreeing, Yuta mouths, "You look good in that outfit." Immediately regretting it when Taeyong seemed surprise of the compliment. Taken aback, because Yuta had always make sure not to even subtle praise him. In case he goes overboard and turns patent of his emotions, so he avoids it the most. Maybe he was too overwhelmed that he managed to say that now. Or Taeyong just looks really good in that outfit.

 

Taeyong laughs it off, hitting him on the shoulder this time. "You sound sarcastic!"

 

"Do I?" He asked.

 

"N--not really." Taeyong says, his voice breaks a little. "But you look good in your outfit too."

 

"You don't have to say that." Yuta tells him, eyes meeting Taeyong's for a split second before he shifts his gaze back on Taeyong's lips. He is aware of the things he shouldn't be doing, but it's like there's a storm inside him, a strong wind blowing and urging Yuta and allowing him to do this.

 

"Stop staring, you're creeping me out." There's an apparent uneasiness in Taeyong's face when he stepped back, hitting Yuta on the chest who catch his wrist in the process. But Taeyong looks at him with worried eyes, and they communicate, but not the same message Yuta wants to tell him.

 

Taeyong thinks he's disappointed and angry of their performance.

 

Immediately, Yuta let's go of him when he hears the door of their dressing room opened. Revealing Ten who is now clad in a all white, white shoes, white pants and white shirt that says SM Town 2014 in it.  
"What are you doing here? After EXO's we will alll be up for a good bye stage. You two haven't even changed outfits yet."

 

"Oh, you're right. Let's go, Yuta." Taeyong says, pulling him into the room.

 

Yuta doubt know what it meant when Taeyong pulls him on the dresser seperate in the room. It was too cramped for two people inside, but the most Taeyong did is turn around. Taking off his shirt and jeans in a quick motion, unaware that Yuta is watching his back. His waist and legs were thin, like it belongs to a girl. Skin white and glowing without flaws. His boxers didn't cover much of his thighs, revealing the muscles Yuta didn't know where there when Taeyong bends down to slip on his jeans. He's seen all of Taeyong, even the parts of his body he wasn't supposed to see. If Taeyong would know of the filthy effects it has on Yuta, would he still act so careless around him?

 

 

 

 

Again, they have to appear in front of the thousands of crowds and Yuta could feel the dramatic tension that wraps around his body. His eyes aren't bad, but seeing the light sticks and the flashes of cameras make him sick. Can I really become like them? Yuta asked himself when he looks around and sees everyone on the stage is having fun. All he had to do is stick with his members and smile, it shouldn't be difficult instead of performing and yet he's still ill at ease.

 

When he spots Taeyong with Youngho and Jaehyun walking towards their direction, there's a sudden burst of relief. But it's wrong, because his comfort should never be dependent on anyone. Then as though reading his mind, Taeyong walks over him, and takes his hand. Turning the freezing storm within his head into a warm climate. Taeyong's presence alone has a calming effect, and his hand wrapped around Yuta's somehow make him feel pleasant and cozy.

 

So when Yuta tightens his grip on Taeyong's soft fingers, Taeyong looks back at him, an angelic smile he wore that should be calming but instead burns Yuta's chest with unexplainable desires. He lets Taeyong drag him anywhere, because Taeyong's territory feels so safe and sound.

 

 

 

 

 

Lying on the bed, with the lights off, Yuta kept his eyes close, wanting to sink off into sleep. He wonders if the dream of performing on the stage will haunt him. All the neighbor rooms are quiet, everyone else must already be dozing off from exhaustion while Yuta is still in daze. Except for another person.

 

"You didn't eat dinner either, so I brought you this. Taeil told me you like to drink sugarless coffee on midnights." Taeyong walks towards his bed, placing a cup of coffee mug on Yuta's desk. "You seem to be in a bad mood all day. I was worried."

 

Since Taeyong doesn't sound like he's lying, Yuta sits up from his bed and looks at him, "I'm sorry to worry you. I just had to second thought, after being on a stage in the eyes of thousands of people. "

 

"I was thinking you'd be the one to enjoy it the most, you're pretty confident when we meet fans on the street." Taeyong lips turn downwards, but not because he's disappointed in Yuta.

 

"It's just.... It's more difficult than I thought." Yuta admits, taking a quick sip from the coffee Taeyong just made for him. And probably even thinking and worrying about him while he's at it. His throat relaxes with the warmth the liquid had spill a over his body.

 

Taeyong hums, sitting on one the side of the bed. He placed a hand on Yuta's thigh, fiddling with the cloth of his jersey shorts.

 

"I'm sorry, I had to burden you all day." Yuta looks away before he could tell Taeyong how pretty he looks tonight, being touched by him makes Yuta feel uneasy.

 

"Don't mind it. And you look like you're still tense. Yuta, we're coming back to Seoul tomorrow you can relax now." Taeyong reassures him, smiling.

 

"Honestly, if you didn't held my hand I doubt I'd even make it out alive on the last stage." He admits, looking at Taeyong straight in the eye.

 

"Are you saying you want me to hold you hand right now?" Taeyong laughs, although taking Yuta's hand without hesitation. "What's next, you're going to call me clingy again?"

 

"Well, aren't you." Yuta feigns annoyance, sighing out loud, to cover up the trembling on his ears.

 

"Whatever, Yuta." Taeyong huffs, pulling away.

 

Yuta didn't let him, this time holding Taeyong's hand tight. "Not everyone gets to hold hands with the most handsome man in the world."

 

"You are too narcissistic!" Taeyong scowled.

 

"I was talking about you."

 

A deep silence descended the whole room, and the weight of Taeyong's gaze on his eyes wraps itself around Yuta. Somehow it wasn't suffocating.

 

"You're not drunk, aren't you. Just go to sleep." Taeyong let's out a resigned sigh, standing up and pushing Yuta on the shoulder so he's lying back on the bed again.

 

"Hey, I need to finish the coffee you made just for me." Yuta resisted, sitting back up again and taking the cup from the desk. "It's made of love, is it?"

 

Taeyong who's now on his own bed looks at him, incredulous. He laughs, nodding, "With all the love, Yuta."

 

"Don't say that, I might misunderstand." Yuta tells him, taking a deep breath. He started something he couldn't take himself. His heart beating out a hollow thump. But it shouldn't matter, when the millions of starts above couldn't see Yuta from the ceiling anyway.

 

"You're crazy. Goodnight, Yuta."

 

 

 

 

 

 

October is the time of the year when the air starts to become chilly, a taste of winter, and Yuta would hate not to experience the winter with everyone so he agrees at Taeil's suggestion of coming to Han River. Surely the place will be packed with people, but it's not always that the managers would allow them to go out so they didn't waste the chance. When Youngho finds him slacking in the dorm living room that afternoon, he asked Yuta to do the food shopping for them to bring at their outside picnic.

 

"Me of all people?" Yuta grimaced. Youngho had too much trust on his ability to communicate well in Korean but forgot to consider that he isn't much familiar with the direction.

 

"I'll go too." Taeyong offers.

 

 

 

 

 

The bakery smells of sweet chocolate and cinnamon, which results to Taeyong being excited, clutching tight and shaking Yuta's shoulder every time he finds anything of his taste on the glass counter. Since Taeyong reasons bread is healthier than snacks, in fear that Yuta would object to it, but little did he know Yuta will never have a heart to disagree to him.

 

"That cupcake is topped with blue berry cream!" Taeyong gasped, pointing at the chocolate cupcake on top of the counter. "But this macaroon seemed really nice too. And this spanish bread looks great." He sighs loud.

 

"Alright, alright. Which one should we get?" Yuta asked, reaching out for a tray.

 

After moments of thinking, Taeyong says. "I want to buy everything. But we still have to buy snacks and drinks. We don't have a budget for this." He pouts, cutely.

 

Yuta tries for it not to affect him. Although he says, "Let's get everything you want to eat. I'll pay."

 

"R---really?!" Taeyong widens his eyes at him, grasping on his shoulder ever tighter. "But I should be the one buying since I'm older than you. Also, it's your birthday that's coming and but mine."

 

"It's fine, just tell me what you want and stop frowning." Yuta assures him, picking up the clamp that hangs on the side of the glass counter.

 

His generosity paid off, seeing Taeyong's delighted smile as they walk out the store. Taeyong is like a kid, but Yuta wouldn't tell him that. When they finished their errands at the nearby grocery store, they took a taxi back to the dorm.

 

"You wasted our money on this much bread?" Taeil glowers, opening the paper bag and shoving a macaroon on his mouth."But hey, it's good."

 

"Don't eat that. It's not for you." Yuta sneers at him, and snatch the paper bag. He gave it to Taeyong who entered the kitchen.

 

"Yuta bough them for me." Taeyong happily announces.

 

"That's great when he couldn't even give me a coin to throw at that wishing well in Taiwan when I left my wallet." Taeil looks at Yuta, incredulous.

 

"I sense favoritism." Doyoung, who's packing their picnic bags, comments.

 

"How cruel." Taeil shakes his head.

 

Taeyong gently pats Yuta on the back and sits beside him. "Ten said brown hair doesn't suit me." He tells Yuta, like a bullied kid asking for his dad to stand up for him.

 

"He's just jealous."

 

"Why would he be?" Taeyong asked.

 

"Because you look better than anyone whatever your hair color is."

 

"That's not true."

 

"It is."

 

"Hey when you're done flirting, we'll wait downstairs okay." Doyoung says, knocking on the door frame.

 

Yuta didn't notice it's just the two of them in the room.

 

"He's so pissy and bossy." Taeyong breathes out.

 

"He's just jealous." Yuta spits, placing a hand on Taeyong's thigh.

 

"Is that your new favorite word?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Can you even ride a bicycle?"

 

"It's why I dragged you here with me." Taeyong admits.

 

That much was obvious. Still, Yuta didn't mean to be flustered, but why would he not be if Taeyong is depending on him?

 

"Yuta!" Taeyong calls out again, reluctantly placing his foot on the pedal.

 

Yuta strides to him, holding on to the handle to still the bicycle right in time when Taeyong almost fell in it. "Alright, alright. Just don't get yourself hurt."

 

"That... was close." Taeyong gasped, raising a hand to palm his chest, a terrified look on his face.

 

Yuta smirks mockingly, tapping Taeyong's left leg so both his foot are up on the pedal. With strong hands, he holds the rear of the seat and the other on the handle to keep the balance. He maneuvers Taeyong on the river side where there aren't much people around and the road was smooth, no bumps for Taeyong to feel scared about.

 

They pedal some distance and passed through a small bridge where the picnic park couldn't be seen anymore. It's been twenty minutes and their down to perfect place to learn to cycle where the road is clear from people and convenient stores, just tall grasses decorated with colorful hanging lanterns to light up the area.

 

Everything was quiet around them, with only the fading sound of the music in Han River's hall to fill the place. The area seems like a faraway land, with only the two of them, walking the empty road.

 

Yuta could feel Taeyong's desire to learn, he wasn't saying anything, eyes only focused on the road, like he wasn't even there. But they're getting farther and farther, and Yuta worries they might get lost or stumble over a place that's off-limits. "We should go back."

 

After some silent seconds, "I'm going to fall!" Taeyong screamed when his foot missed on the pedal and Yuta catches him.

 

"Not when I'm around." Yuta snickered, but it dies immediately because Taeyong's trembling hands are wrapped around his torso, face buried on Yuta's chest when Taeyong blindly jumps away from the bicycle that fell lifelessly on the road. His heart beats irregularly from time to time being alone with him, but being within Taeyong's boundary, makes Yuta feel a snugly feeling creeping up his skin.

 

Yuta didn't think about his actions, when he holds Taeyong's head with both his hands and lifts it up so they are looking straight, eye-to-eye. Is it possible that wanting something so badly would make that wish come true?

 

But it didn't come true, and his hopes are shut down when Taeyong pulls away from him, and says. "Your hands are so cold." He complains, stepping back.

 

"I'm sorry." Yuta whispers. Because he really was, and he wonders if Taeyong will even understand, or forgive him.

 

"Oh no, where are we?" Taeyong huffs in surprise when he looks around, and he reaches out to Yuta's hand. "I'm so nervous, I had no idea we'll get this far."

 

Yuta looks at their intertwined fingers, wondering what it meant for Taeyong, wondering what it meant for them. He looks up to Taeyong's face, enveloped with a nervous expression. "We should go back." Yuta says even when he doesn't want to.

 

"This place is pretty." There was a pure hush in Taeyong's voice when he says this, and his face seems calmer as he look up in the skies.

 

Pretty, indeed. Yuta followed his gaze and sees the million of stars that staring back at them. Intimidating Yuta with the blazing light that it possesses, as if reminding him that they know what's inside Yuta's head, knows the beating of his heart, and that they can see him right now. Every once in a while, they blink more brightly, and when Yuta diverts his gaze on Taeyong, he sees the stars reflected on his eyes. Like he'd seen all of Yuta's secrets that was scattered in the skies.

 

Yuta holds him tighter, making Taeyong look back at him. The stars speaks of the words Yuta couldn't say, and he wonders what Taeyong's answer will be.

 

"They're probably searching for us." Taeyong says coyly as he searches for the cellphone in his chest pocket that starts to ring. "It's Doyoung."

 

"No need to answer that." Yuta hisses, snatching the phone off of Taeyong's hand. He looks at the screen and declines the call.

 

"Why did you do that?" Taeyong questions him, incredulous. "They must be worried."

 

"It's fine, we'll head back now." Yuta assures him, even when he didn't want to. To be with Taeyong in a sanctuary felt to real and calming that he doesn't want this to end. Looking up the stars another time, he wishes for a time. "Do you want to ride the bike again?"

 

Taeyong bit his lip and shakes his head.

 

"We can't just leave that here. Can we." Yuta says.

 

"You ride it and go ahead, I'll follow behind." Taeyong tells him, and let's go of Yuta's hand.

 

For a moment, Yuta forgot of their intertwined fingers for so long. When did it starts to feel so natural?

 

"What makes you think I'll do that?" Yuta hisses grabbing Taeyong's wrists.

 

They made it back to the picnic park alive, fortunately. Yuta rode the bicycle, while Taeyong rides at the back which didn't go easy for Yuta to balance since Taeyong fuzzes and panics about falling a lot. It's only until Yuta decides to make Taeyong sit on the bike's frame, the older squeezed by his strong legs pedaling. The position was difficult, but they managed.

 

"Well if that ain't love birds." Youngho, sitting on their picnic blanket guffaws upon seeing them.

 

"Love birds, indeed." Doyoung comments, tapping the seat beside him.

 

Yuta carefully jumps out of the bike, carefully holding Taeyong's waist so he doesn't fall. When Taeyong takes a step towards Doyoung, Yuta didn't think it before he grabs Taeyong's wrist for the second time tonight. The paranoia tells his head that if he'll lose Taeyong, the person the he never really had, if he lets go.

 

"Why?" Taeyong halts and looks back at him, asking. His face enveloped with an expression Yuta couldn't read.

 

"Nothing." Yuta withdraws his hand quick. He doesn't know when did he start becoming so mindless of his actions. He doesn't want to make a mistake in front of Taeyong. Lost in the questioning gaze his friends are throwing him right now.

 

"We're waiting for you. We're starving!" Ten scowls, drumming his chopsticks on the chicken box.

 

"Where have you two gone anyway?"

 

Yuta looks at Taeyong's direction, who avoided his gaze and biting his lip.

 

 

 

 

//next chapter will be a continuation of this scene Im sorry//


	3. 3.

//i dont know why it seems short when its 5k words ;( // 

 

 

 

"Where have you two gone anyway?" Youngho asked both of them when they take their seats on the huge red mattress lying flat on the mown grass. 

 

There are plenty of benches and picnic tables nearby but it isn't picnic without the blanket and the indian sit. Yuta sits beside Youngho while he watches Taeyong squeezed himself between Doyoung and Jaehyun. They gathered in circles, surrounding the bags and baskets of meals they brought along with them. Yuta noticed that apart from the groceries him and Taeyong bought earlier that day, there were more plastics of snacks that one of guys probably brought from the convenient store nearby. 

 

The post light just above them makes the dark area bright even when they chose a place on the farside of the picnic field. At least the chances that they'll get hit by the people playing volleyball by the road side is gone. It was a comfortable spot for future celebrities like them to relax and they didn't have to hide their faces with masks.

 

"We looked for you every where." Taeil snorts at the two of them. 

 

"And we couldn't find them. Which means..." Jaehyun clasped his hands on his mouth. "There's only one place." 

 

"Oh...." Ten mewls dramatically and high fived him. A sign that they're going to crack some intolerable humor. "You mean that place where..." 

 

Yuta doesn't think the conversation was necessary since it's just Jaehyun and Ten blabbering, but when he looks at Taeyong's direction, who avoided his gaze in an instant, and biting his lower lip. He had no idea where the talk woud go, until Jaehyun yells something loud. 

 

"You mean that place where couples make out." Jaehyun announces, snickering. 

 

Blushing, Yuta tries to speak but the words were quiet. He didn't even know such place in the park exists, and judging from Taeyong's embarrassed expression. It's not like they did anything, other than holding hands, but why would Taeyong be just as flustered as Yuta? 

 

"Nah, that's the romantic place where people do confessions. Not make out. Stop being lewd, Jaehyun." Doyoung hisses, hitting the younger on the leg with a bottle of orange juice. 

 

"So, who confessed?" Taeil ask eagerly. "Who, who?" 

 

Confused, Yuta is loss for words. Even when it's the topic the guys always poke fun of them about, he could never get used by it. When he's usually the one mocking the others, he gets specifically quiet every time the guys tease him about Taeyong, is what Taeil points out the other day. To which ended the older jeering Yuta all day about his lost of tongue, or why he blushes whenever someone mentions Taeyong. The next day, though, Taeil stopped with his teasing and probably forgotten it. But what happened today will only fire him up again. 

 

"Oh god, what's wrong with our Taeil hyung? He seems excited." Youngho scoffs all of a sudden.

 

Yuta didn't have to look him in the face to know that it was a save. Youngho diverting the attention to Taeil so the others can shake off the fuss about him and Taeyong. It probably wasn't just Yuta, who noticed the look on Taeyong's face that he doesn't seem okay. He seemed embarrassed and hates the topic, Yuta could tell. I'm sorry, Yuta mutters in his head while he looks at Taeyong's unreadable face. 

 

"He likes the nature, I believe." Hansol comments. 

 

"I don't care, let's just eat." Youngho announces. 

 

 

 

 

 

When they got back the dorm, Yuta expected that there will be a distance because unlike the usual, Taeyong didn't seat beside him on the car when they drive home. He's finally beginning to understand how much it hurts to be wanting somebody that was out of his league. It's funny and frustrating that even if Taeyong holds his hands, Yuta is still lost in him.

 

What a pity it is to adore someone so badly, Yuta let's out a soundless sigh. Patting his own shoulder to alleviate his messed up head. He reached out for his phone in his drawer, typing a message of the words he'd long to tell his parents. It was simple but an honest, "I miss you." That he even reluctantly typed before clicking the send. 

 

"You're still awake, Yuta!" 

 

Startled at Taeyong's sudden bold hands that seizes his arms, yanks him to the bed and pulls the cover above them. In the deep silence with only the sound of Taeyong's harsh breathing, Yuta's heart beats with a loud, dry sounds. He kept his eyes on the back of Taeyong's head, who's back is pressed against his chest as they sit squeezed to one another. Yuta sits with his knees propped up, while Taeyong is between his legs, trembling. Yuta took a deep breath, the fierce air passing through his lungs with every tick of time. 

 

Yuta couldn't get a handle of it yet, but Taeyong talked to him again, dragged him under the covers, and Taeyong's leaned onto him even closer. Mind on manic at the touch of Taeyong's flat palms on his bare thighs. 

 

"What.....are you doing...Taeyong?" Yuta managed to question when Taeyong squeezed at his thighs, sending the unwelcome shivers all overhis senses.

 

"His...his phone. Youngho... Ghost." Taeyong mutters, shaking. 

 

So, Youngho used that gag even on Taeyong. He heard of Ten about it. It's a common internet prank where you ask your victim to look for something on the picture, find the shoes to be specific, then suddenly some creepy creature will show up. Pretty lame for someone their age to be fussing about, but then it's Taeyong.

 

"O...okay, then...What do you.... what do you want me do?" Yuta reluctantly ask with short breaths. He leans back when Taeyong shifts closer, the smell of his hair seeping through Yuta's nostril, only to fuck with his head. 

 

"Don't know." Taeyong murmurs, almost inaudible. 

 

Yuta makes it his own cue to carefully backs away before Taeyong could notice something weird on his behind so less of their skin touches. But when he steps foot out of the bed, Taeyong grabbed his arm and pull him down, Yuta falls on the bed in a sitting position. 

 

"But...I'm scared. Don't leave..me." Taeyong grumbles about, nuzzling his face on Yuta's shoulder. 

 

Shit. Shit. Shit. The word replays like a mantra in Yuta's head and the feel of Taeyong's skin against him burns that he backs away, completely leaving Taeyong's body. "Fine. Fine. Then." 

 

Before Yuta could assure him that he'll be back in the room as soon as possible, Taeyong gets up too and clutches at the back of his shirt. Sighing loud, Yuta makes his way across the room with Taeyong following behind. Just then, Youngho is passing by the front of their door, an eerie smile plastered on his face. 

 

"Youngho, you seem to be having lots of fun." Yuta comments, making Youngho stop on his tracks and looks at them with a victorious smirk on his face

 

The smile turned into a confused expression when Youngho tiptoes to see who's on Yuta's behind and sees it was Taeyong nestling his face behind his back.   
He sends Yuta a knowing look, grinning teasingly. 

 

"Don't scare him." Yuta chides, feeling the grasp of Taeyong on his shirt tightens. As if Youngho would do something again if Yuta wasn't there.

 

"Come on, that wasn't even scary." Johnny reasons, offended at the scolding from someone younger than him. 

 

"He hates it." Yuta says, stern, and he felt Taeyong's head nodding behind him.

 

"Wha--whaat." Johnny whines. "Taeyong, do you hate me?" 

 

"No---" 

 

"Yes, he does." Yuta retorts. "Stop bothering him, am I making myself clear?" He didn't wait for a response, pulling Taeyong back in their shared room and locking the door on Youngho's face. He could still feel Taeyong's touches lingers on his skin, and it burns. 

 

"Are you okay?" Yuta asked once they're inside.

 

"Y...yeah." He mutters, eyes trained on Yuta's eyes as if trying to read him. "I'm sorry Yuta." 

 

"For?" Yuta asked, and this time, Taeyong avoids his gaze.

 

"You seem....annoyed." 

 

"Of course I am." Yuta admits in a stern voice, making Taeyong look down on the ground, so he sort of explains. "I'm annoyed because he scared you." 

 

Taeyong says nothing. Fidgeting with his hair and he stood still, he looks rather embarrassed than waiting for Yuta to say more. Guilty that Yuta had to tell on Youngho because of him."Yuta, I'm going to sleep. Good night." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever it is Youngho finds hilarious about scaring Taeyong off with shitty horror antics, Yuta is done with it. It happens that Taeyong rans behind him whenever Youngho spooks him. It turns out, Youngho had taken a liking of Yuta's grimaced apart from Taeyong's terrorized expression. 

 

One day, he confronts Youngho. The older already making a knowing smirk to peeve him and makes a whimpering noise mimicking Taeyong's when Yuta walks across the room to his bed, knowing what the confrontation is all about. 

 

"You're shitting me, aren't you." Yuta starts, lowering his voice as possible so the guys outside Youngho's room wouldn't hear. 

 

Youngho cringes at the cuss and rubs at his temples. "I'm trying to get the two of you together." 

 

"Say what?" Yuta scowls at him, incredulous. 

 

"No lying, man. He rans to you whenever. That could make him realize...something." Youngho admits with a sly smile. 

 

Yuta tries to process in his head what Youngho had said, and ends up saying, "That's ridiculous." 

 

"Trust me on this." 

 

Yuta nods in desperation, or that he just wanted to end the talk. A topic he'd rather not discuss with anybody. Knowing Youngho though, even without intentions, he'd take measures for Yuta to spill it all out. But Yuta doesn't want to give in. 

 

"Seriously, you could just tell him." Youngho casually suggested like it's the easiest thing to do, tapping Yuta on the knees. The worse case is that, his face is telling he's serious about this. "Yuta, just tell him. Go ahead, go say---" 

 

"Say what?" 

 

Startled, Yuta turns his head to the door, gaping where Taeyong peaks his head in. It didn't help either when Youngho made the most conspicuous mocking sound that Yuta begins to wonder how come Taeyong is oblivious yet, considering how many times Youngho had dared done it. Though there wasn't much to overhear of his and Youngho's talk, it makes him anxious to think that what if Taeyong got a simple idea of how Yuta feels towards him. 

 

Exactly, how aware Taeyong must be? 

 

"You're too loud." Taeyong chides at Youngho, who immediately gestures to zip his mouth. "What do you guys talk about without me?" 

 

This time Taeyong stares at Yuta with expectant eyes, waiting for him to say something. Even without looking, Yuta could guess Youngho is boring holes into his head, and could be laughing too. 

 

"Yuta...." Taeyong pressed after a few seconds. 

 

"No--nothing. We just." Yuta bit his bottom lip, completely empty of an alibi. He couldn't just admit that they were actually discussing about Taeyong.

 

"Well, it's a secret. Right, sweetheart?" Youngho leans in and took Yuta's arm to kiss the back of his hand.

 

"What! Young--ho!" Yuta screeched, pulling his hand back. He looks at Taeyong's direction in panic, then back to Youngho, then to Taeyong again. "It...it's not what you..it's not what you think!" He flushes red, suddenly confounded at how defensive he had sounded when it's not like he had to explain anything in the first place. 

 

Still, he scowls at Youngho, punching the latter on the leg who yelps in pain. "You're so fucking defensive, Yuta!" He groans, falling back to his bed. 

 

Yuta swore he'll get Youngho someday, when the whole room fell into silence after he points that out. Because he remembers, Taeyong isn't stupid. That had Yuta wondering for how long can he keep this secret of his. 

 

"Yuta, let's eat together." Taeyong tells him. 

 

"O--okay." Yuta stammers along with Youngho's snickering. He's about to hit Youngho again when Taeyong speaks.

 

"Just leave him alone." 

 

Yuta, with careful steps, walks across the room where Taeyong stood by the door frame, wary of Johnny's mock that's about to come whatever contact he makes with Taeyong so he makes sure he's two steps away from him.

 

"Wow, Yuta! You'll regret leaving me for him!" Youngho calls out. 

 

Taeyong didn't allow Yuta to retort, lacing his arm with him and pulling him out of the room. Yuta dares to relax, willing his heart to calm as they walk side by side. In case Taeyong could feel the beating on his rib cage. 

 

"You let him kiss your hand." Taeyong blurts all of a sudden. 

 

There was no emotion on Taeyong's face when Yuta looks at him. If his hope was too high to assume that he was jealous. Perhaps, he just wanted to point out what happened. That Youngho kissed Yuta's hand, is all. 

 

"Yeah...yeah... He's gross." Yuta swallows, nervous if Taeyong would ask again, what him and Youngho were talking about. 

 

Never in his dreams did Yuta imagine, that from their linked arms, Taeyong slid his arm down to Yuta's hand to entangle their fingers together and tugs it up to kiss the back of his palm. The one that Johnny didn't kiss. And like it was the most normal thing ever, Taeyong leans his face close to his, smiling with his eyes and ask, "Am I gross?" 

 

"T--Taeyong." Yuta stutters. His heart galloped like a deer being chased by a prey, running for his dear life. Taeyong is ecstatic, just to be able to be looked at by him, makes Yuta's heart go crazy. To be in the same room with him would make Yuta's heart leap. Today is a different day, when Taeyong showed him an affection that puts a stop to the thumping of Yuta's heart. All these emotions he could feel only with Taeyong alone. "Wh--y did you do that." 

 

Taeyong chuckles, and says, "So Youngho can do that, and I can't?" 

 

Yuta didn't answer and look away, anxious. He didn't need a mirror to know that his face and ears are red for Taeyong to notice. 

 

"Why are you so red?" Taeyong chuckles, shaking Yuta on the arm. 

 

"S--stop it." Yuta mouths, too flustered to even keep up with Taeyong's giggles. Nobody is too much of a fool for this. It should be easy for Taeyong to see right through him. "Where are you taking me? We just ate." 

 

"I know." Taeyong giggles, brushing his hair on Yuta's shoulder without knowing it's effects on the other, he pulled Yuta inside on their shared room, locking the door behind. "But it'll be your birthday in few hours. I wanna be beside you at your last hours of being seventeen."

 

The lump on Yuta's throat tightens. Taeyong is so careless of the words that slips off his mouth, that Yuta might misunderstood. "Don't say something like that, I might misunderstand." Yuta whispers the words in his head. 

 

"Misunderstand?" Taeyong questions.

 

It gets tiring. The kind of life where he had to shift his head wherever Taeyong decides to sway it. "Do you think the company would allow it if I go to Ten's house on our holiday break?" Yuta ask, diverting the topic. 

 

"Why?" Taeyong raised a brow, letting go of his arm. "Would you rather hang around someone else's house than go home to your family?" 

 

"No, I just feel like... I want to go somewhere quiet." 

 

"Are you troubled? Are you sad? What are you feeling, Yuta?" Taeyong queries, reaching out for Yuta's hand. "I want to know how you feel, I want to be here for you." 

 

Being a kid, liking someone he shouldn't have while being inside their territory, it's like the world is generally trying it's best to hurt Yuta. But Taeyong is the sweetest, the kind of charm that placates Yuta no matter how dark he feels inside. "I'm not sad." Yuta lies, and force a smile. "Do you have a gift for me, though?" 

 

"That's for tomorrow!" Taeyong whines, letting go of Yuta's hand. "Are you still offended that your Taeyeon and Yoona couldn't come?" 

 

"What." Yuta laughed at the funny face Taeyong is making. "Why would I be when I knew you'd be there?" 

 

"Who says I'd be there?" Taeyong turns around and walk across the room to his bed, without the knowledge of Yuta following behind him.

 

"Don't be so pissy." Yuta chuckles in delight at the face Taeyong makes whenever someone is teasing him. He sat on the bed where Taeyong lies, back facing him. "I'd be happy when you come."

 

"You're going to celebrate it in the dorm." Taeyong explains, voice muffled by the pillow. "Of course, I will be here."

 

"But things could happen, you know. What if you get a photoshoot schedule with that phone brand again? Or if manager calls you to the company for a task?" Yuta reasons, placing a hand above Taeyong's small waist. Like Taeyong will break if he wasn't careful enough. 

 

"Then I won't go." Taeyong blurt. 

 

A sting of pain rush into Yuta's ears down to his chest, to hear what he assumed was a subtle rejection. It was his birthday, and Taeyong could've pretended it was important to him as well. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Contrary to what Taeyong said last night that he wouldn't be around on Yuta's birthday, the whole day, Taeyong sticks to him like glue. Not that they don't stick to each other like glues, but Ten had to point it out and whines about not having some quality birthday time with Yuta because Taeyong never let's go of his arms ever since he clung to him this morning. 

 

Whenever Taeyong looks at him from a short distance, the two of them face to face, his hear rate goes up and his insides churns of the overwhelming feeling of having Taeyong around. When at the very least, he was sure that Taeyong doesn't feel things, isn't affected by Yuta's skin against him at all. While Yuta suffers with the longing for his affection. Taeyong must be comfortable, while Yuta can barely breathe to be in his territory. 

 

Taeyong sticks to him like glue, even when they haven't spoke to each other much. Probably from their talk last night that had Yuta falling into pieces. And maybe, Taeyong knows it too. Because that night, as they were about to fall asleep when Yuta finished showering and turned off the lights in the room, Taeyong calls his name. 

 

"Yuta." 

 

Startled, Yuta tries his best to make the calmest response when he hums. Climbing up the bed and flopping down. The mattress soft and comforting on his back that Yuta wants to sink down further. 

 

"Happy birthday." Taeyong tells him. 

 

Now that Yuta thought about it, it's the first time Taeyong greeted him that day. All he got was a got was a good morning, let's eat, you should shower, and let's sleep that day. Because Taeyong wouldn't conversation, and Yuta's face always feels weird whenever he talks to Taeyong first so he avoids it. 

 

"Thank you." Yuta whispers. When he looks to his desk, he sees the boxes of gifts the boys bought for him and he hasn't open any of them. Not because he didn't appreciate them, but the gifts were predictable that he's the one who requested for his members to buy from him. A pair of comic socks from Youngho, a plaid shirt from Ten although he doubt the latter got it from him, probably it's just a deck of uno cards because he's stingy. He guesses Doyoung would give him something like a pen or a notebook he couldn't make use of. A snapback from Jaehyun, and weird love letters from Jungwoo and Yukhei since they're that awful. 

 

"Do you hate me?"

 

"What?" Yuta blurts, startled at the question. 

 

"Do you hate me because I didn't get you a gift?" Taeyong asked again. 

 

"What--no. No. Of course not." His initial reaction was to bang his head on the wall. Because the first thing he could think of is that Taeyong has been feeling guilty all day. "I told you already...I'd be happy if you spend this day with us." Yuta explains, without being clear with the true meaning of his words. If you could spend this day with me, but he shouldn't say it. 

 

There's a faint smile on Taeyong's lips Yuta could tell even in the dark. It's the first time Taeyong smiles that day, too. And then Taeyong laughs softly, a sweet music that rangs on Yuta's ears.

 

"Let's go outside, I'll take you somewhere." Taeyong says, quickly dashing across the room the rummage on his closet. 

 

"What." Yuta tenses when Taeyong sprints towards him, shoving a hoodie into his chest. "When?"

 

"Right now."

 

"In...this outfit?" Yuta take an all over look on what his wearing, a crappy shirt, some baggy sports shorts and a pair of black slippers. Then he looks at Taeyong, wearing an oversized gray hoodie and a pair of shorts similar to his. 

 

"That's why you have to wear this." Taeyong says, his voice in a hurry. 

 

Yuta reluctantly nods, and take the clothe from Taeyong's cold hands. He glances to the other first, wondering if it should be fine if he wears it in front of Taeyong. But then just as he was about to pull the hoodie to his head, Taeyong's hands were quick on helping him, so he wears it fast that had Yuta madly blushing. "But..Taeyong. We're going to get scolded." 

 

"We won't. If we hurry." Taeyong assures him, confident. 

 

Yuta never had a the heart to disagree to him, so he let's Taeyong grab his wrist tightly and drag him outside the room. He doesn't understand the rush when Taeyong couldn't wait for the elevator, and they ran the corridor and down the eight floored stairs. Before they escape the building, Taeyong pulls the hoods on their heads to hide their faces as they run outside hand in hand. 

 

A taxi stopped over them, and Taeyong pushed themselves insides. There are too much going on in Yuta's head that he didn't hear it when Taeyong told the driver where would they be going. Nevertheless, Yuta doesn't think it was important to know. As long as he is with Taeyong, and as long as their fingers interlaced with one another. 

 

It wasn't too soon for Yuta to figure out that Taeyong took him to place that he didn't want to be. The night was lit up by the bright stars and the glowing moon that reflects to the sea, the water was the color of the night sky, the air is cold with the soothing wind with only the sound of the gentle waves on the shore. Somewhere so romantic alone with Taeyong, in a place so beautiful, and yet he couldn't take his eyes off him. 

 

The sea song of the waves soothed Yuta's racing heart as they walk down the path of the shore and climb the steps to the top of the break water. None of them minded it when they had to step on the rocky water to make it up the wooden dock, hands grasping one another for balance. The cold wind of the night couldn't freeze the pulsing of Yuta's heart that spreads fire all over his skin, and when he looks at deepness of Taeyong's eyes once again, he realized that he was indeed in love with him. He's so consumed with the theory of love that he had forgotten Taeyong was supposed to be his best friend. Supposedly the person he would run to to spill his worries, the fear of that this unwelcome love will devour all of him. 

 

"I'm so---" 

 

"Don't think this gift is cheap, but I would trade to see the moonlight on the shore to anything." Taeyong says with the softest voice, and he smiles coyly at Yuta before diverting his gaze to the brightness of the night sky that hovers above them. 

 

Yuta tries to set aside the idea of him and Taeyong running the opposite the direction. An endless road that they will never meet. But Taeyong is standing right in front of him, so beautiful underneath the moonlight, and Yuta feels warm and safe all over again.

 

Yuta turns to him and tugs at his hand gently, so Taeyong is looking at him. But he was speechless and it's nice because Taeyong doesn't expect him to say anything either. So Yuta just sighs, loud, because Taeyong is beautiful even with his make up less face, the deep scar under his eyes exposed, his unbrushed hair, and his baggy clothes. He's the person that gets Yuta worked up with all the blaring emotions, but also the calming force that could put Yuta to sleep. A feeling that grows deeper with each passing day that, it could've kill him. Yet, Yuta wakes up every morning looking forward to hearing Taeyong's voice, seeing his face, ans tasting the coffee he makes. 

 

It wasn't the some inconsequential infatuation, the way Youngho names it, because Yuta knows it's more than that. It's always been more than that. But it hurts because there's no guarantee that he'd wake up close to him, if he makes a mistake of saying the words that didn't need be said.

 

Taeyong leans the small of his back on Yuta's shoulder comfortably. They stayed like that for awhile, hand in hand still, and Yuta breaks the moment apologizing for his sweaty palm when he couldn't take it anymore. 

 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Yuta says nervously, bowing in the process that had Taeyong laughing. He wipes the sweat on his hand on his shirt. "But thank you. This is..nice. I.. Like...love it."

 

"I knew you would love it here." Taeyong says. "You know, it would've been better if Youngho was here." 

 

"Yeah...it would've been better." Yuta tells him, and smiles half heartedly. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That dream was close, Yuta could tell. It's been a while since they started to practice for their upcoming solo shows for the fans. Not only in Korea, but they'd also be performing in other countries like Thailand and Japan. He could still remember his misfortune on the first SM Town he attended to. He was so nervous he had no idea how the show starts and how it ended, with only the images of Taeyong holding his hand. But since they've done rehearsals in front of the staffs and some audience to train their stage presence in the last few weeks, Yuta believes he has gained confidence. 

 

After having lunch with Ten, they run back inside the dance studio where everyone was stretching and preparing for their training. Aside from Youngho discussing something seemingly important and amusing to the younger trainees, with Minhyung, Donghyuk, Jeno and Jaemin watching him amused. 

 

"Since we wake up late and we don't want to be late for training, we shower altogether in the dorms. You'll all experience this when you move in, to." Youngho tells the boys who are nodding with enthusiasm. 

 

"But that's weird." Donghyuk objects, laughing. 

 

"Oh, not at all." Youngho says out loud. "We have members who enjoys showering together, like Yuta and Taeyong for example."

 

Yuta swore he wouldn't mind throwing up all the food he ate at Youngho, when he saw Taeyong almost stumbling on the choreography he was practicing from across the room. Not only that, everyone is either eyeing him and Taeyong, and Ten is just gaping at him with wide eyes. 

 

The kids were laughing, and Yuta swore he's red all over when Jaemin runs towards him and hugs him on the waist. "Let's not shower together someday, hyung." 

 

Literally, Yuta facepalmed. "Seo Youngho, you're dead."


End file.
